Watch this crappy space.

I have recently considered why I should write. Not if I should, but WHY. Isn't there an overload of information already? Such a load of crap and only a few diamonds. Usually the crap gets consumed much faster and it sells. Is it possible that the rants inside my head can contribute to anything? WHY should I write?

I read today that Robert Downey Jr. said that Burger King saved his life. While in the dark pit of drug addiction, he ate a Burger King burger, and it apparently tasted so bad, that he decided not to sink any lower into the pit. I have been sinking into a pit, too. The terrifying pit of artistic starvation. When you come from a sophisticated artistic background, teaching Korean children English while they scream at you in unintelligible Hangul shrieks, is like being in the darkest The Ring pit with little Samaras clutching at you with sticky, muddy fingers. In other words, you are being smeared with crap every day for 7+ hours. The diamond-like background of art, learning about beauty and the skills involved with capturing it, fades away quicker than a toilet flush.

So if you find yourself transitioning from the diamond world to the crap world because of the world's greatest necessary evil - money - you are expected to just suck it up. You're getting paid very well for all the sucking, but in the end you have to face the fact that you are, in fact, sucking. A far cry from the sparkles.

When you have to consume so much crap every day (and I know I'm not alone in this), it's easy to just give in and embrace it (the crap). It's easier, and more comfortable. Why strive for diamonds if your mind is so much more entertained by crap? It's easier to access. It's made for easy consumption. It's what everyone does. It's warm, in a mind-numbing way. You can just lie back and take it in, like an ice-cream melting on a dirty sidewalk. Why not just embrace the crap that's all around you anyway?

Because of Robert. Because he could have decided to let his chosen crap rule him. Because that might have killed him, and robbed the world of him. I'm not saying he's the world's best artist. But he has diamonds to live for. And so do you. Not all of us are artists, but everyone has a diamond to polish - whether it's getting back to your seemingly ruined career, being a good mother, not giving up on exercise or finishing your degree. You have to keep polishing, otherwise the overload of crap will smother it (and you). For every diamond, there is at least a ton of crap out there. Don't let it in.

And this is why I should write. Why I have to write. Because I can't let my diamond sink so deep that I won't be able to find it again. Even if it's just a wipe a day. Then, someday, it might start shining so bright that some people will notice. And even if they don't... even if they see it as only another piece of crap being served...

I have eaten my last Burger King burger, and I will turn this around. Watch this crappy space.

The Mission Statement

Many things drift in and out of thought. The roots, branches and newborn leaves of my mind are touched by many breezes from many places. The recently deceased writer Yoram Kaniuk said that one is alive when writing. Writing is the legitimization of the absurd (his daughter Aya said this). Of all the art forms, it emerged last - after dance, song, drawing - and according to Kaniuk, it does not require technique, or knowledge, or skill. "Every one can do with it as he sees fit." And so, every person necessarily writes themselves into the text. It does not mask. It reveals bigotry, ignorance, bias, passion, meditation, imagination.

Therefore I feel compelled to write this: I am a young white woman, reluctant to call herself an Afrikaner from South Africa. The all-too-recent history of South Africa of intolerance and racial persecution has created in those young Afrikaans-speaking white people a complicated feeling of compelled guilt and indignation. Although we were infants and toddlers at the end of Apartheid, we speak the same language as those who violently and cruelly headed the persecution of black people in South Africa. We now face the consequences of the decisions made by 'our' ancestors. We are caught in the intersection between the historical ideologies of white patriarchy and the new ideologies which displaces white patriarchy - either saying "I hate my ancestors and my culture" or "I hate the 'new SA' and I will fight for my culture".

Where do I stand? Where can I really stand? I have moved to South Korea because the positions I was fully qualified for, were not available to me because I am white and Afrikaans. I have a deep love for my country and its people - all of its people - but at the present moment I do not feel welcome there. Let's not go into the crime statistics of South Africa, which has been elaborated upon endlessly (SA is apparently called the 'rape capital' of the world). There are so many negative things about South Africa, which is the reason why there has been a substantial exodus of especially young white people, in order to find work.

So I find myself in a first-world country in which I have been almost shocked at the low level of crime and even civil disobedience. They do not question the system, they only follow it. This is the biggest difference between my country and my host country. In SA, we question everything, distrust everything when it comes to the system. Which one is better? One might argue that the circumstances in both countries argue for themselves: first-world versus third-world. I see things differently from this side of the world. My home country suddenly looks so violent, savage and unfair. At the moment our beloved former president Nelson Mandela is in critical condition, and it looks like he might not live much longer. Some people think his death might trigger a worsened condition for white people, the white extremists believe a genocide is imminent.

Almost daily I find my social network feeds flooded with anger at racism from both sides. Young South Africans are angry. Angry that change is happening so slowly. Angry that racism is still tolerated, and angry that everything is taken as racism these days. Both sides are so right. A quotation from Yoram Kaniuk which inspired this post is his answer to the cause of cultural conflict: "Each side wants to feel that they are suffering more than the other side".

I don't know where I stand. I don't even know where I am supposed to stand. However, I cannot bring myself to hate my country, or my culture. It is too rich, too wonderful. I choose instead to use my writing to explore the thoughts coloured by my experiences as a young white Afrikaans South African woman, so as to legitimize things that are so absurd about my country, while I am looking at it from far away in South Korea.